The New Year's resolution paradox

How are those NY resolutions working out?  

Is it Dry January, Veganuary, going to the gym, losing weight, getting up at 5am to meditate, using that planner – WHATEVER it is you have set yourself for 2026, how is it going?  Are you euphoric and in the pink cloud of success?  Or have you already ‘failed’ and feeling that you can never change because you are YOU, your own self-fulfilling prophecy.

Every year on repeat: Eat better. Drink less. Be more disciplined. Be more productive. Be more something. And then, as they do every year, our promise to ourselves unravels.

We can tell ourselves in practical terms why it didn’t work out this year: unrealistic goals, lack of willpower, busy schedules. But have you ever wondered if there is something deeper happening – is this our emotional defences and long-standing internal patterns that cannot begin to tolerate change?

The illusion of the ‘fresh start’

New Year’s resolutions rely heavily on the idea of a clean slate. Psychodynamic therapy challenges us that this is a fantasy: we don’t become new people because the calendar resets. We don’t shed our old hurts or patterns simply by wanting to.  We carry ourselves — all of ourselves — into the new year. Our unconscious mind doesn’t understand deadlines or January promises. It remembers early relationships, old wounds, the stories we absorbed about who we are and what we deserve. When a resolution clashes with these deeply rooted patterns, the psyche often pushes back.

When change feels like a threat

From the outside, a resolution might seem entirely positive. You are asking yourself to make a change. Sometimes small, usually significant.  But a change can deploy our unconscious mind’s defences – and self-sabotage arrives and before you can say ‘it’s only the middle of January’ you have fallen back into the familiar.  It could be a multitude of reasons – but one that is often common ground at this time of your is that your inner critical voice is telling you to know your place. You are worthy only of your failure.

The inner critic and the tyranny of ‘should’

Many New Year’s resolutions are driven by an internal voice that says, I should be better than this. This voice often resembles what psychoanalytic theory calls the superego — the internalised echoes of early authority figures. When resolutions are fuelled by harsh self-criticism and our punitive superego, we replay familiar dynamics of failure and punishment. Missing a workout or breaking a diet isn’t just a slip; it becomes proof of being ‘weak’, or ‘a disappointment’. And under that internal pressure, the psyche seeks relief from self-judgement — often by abandoning the very thing we hoped would help us.

The repetition compulsion

This is an uncomfortable truth that is often met in the therapy room - the tendency to unconsciously repeat familiar patterns, even when they are painful or unhelpful.

This might explain why some people set the same resolutions every year, fully expecting — at some level — to fail again. The failure itself can feel strangely familiar, almost comforting. It confirms the story the inner critic has been telling all along. In this sense, failing a resolution isn’t just an accident; it can be part of a deeply ingrained story about who we believe ourselves to be. 

A psychodynamic approach doesn’t suggest abandoning goals altogether. Instead, It invites you to become curious about the parts of you that struggle with them. Perhaps the most radical resolution is not to become a better version of yourself, but to listen more carefully to the one you already are. You are already good enough. Change, from a psychodynamic perspective, isn’t about starting again. It’s about understanding what has always been there. When change comes from insight rather than force, it is often more lasting — not because the person has become more disciplined, but because the internal conflict has been understood.

A kinder way

If your New Year’s resolutions have already begun to wobble, this doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It may mean that a part of you is trying to speak — a part that deserves to be heard.

I am a psychodynamic therapist based in Tunbridge Wells and online. If anything resonated with you and you would like to explore the meaning, I have limited session times available, please do contact me for details. You are welcome to reach out.