Perfectionism

---

The problem with trying to be perfect: A psychodynamic view

It took time in my own therapy to tolerate that I struggled with perfectionism. 

Perfectionism is often admired, driven in part by social media’s relentless offering of glittering and aspirational curated worlds. But as Tolkien tells us - ‘all that glitters is not gold’. Inside the perfectionist’s emotional world, it is rarely experienced as admirable. It is exhausting. It is lonely. And it is driven less by aspiration than by fear.

Perfectionism is often seen as a benchmark for high standards, motivation or conscientiousness - straight As, an impeccable appearance, hours and hours of extra time put in at work, a home that could be in a magazine. In a nutshell and in simple terms, perfectionists can struggle with the following:

• meticulousness

• relentless self-criticism

• over-preparing

• avoidance of anything where failure is possible

• equating mistakes with personal inadequacy

But from a psychodynamic therapist’s lens, perfectionism is rarely about perfection itself. More often, it’s about a set of rules driven by control: control over emotion, over how others see us, over the unpredictable nature of the world, and over the parts of ourselves we fear may be too much, not enough, or fundamentally unlovable. Control is perfectionism’s psychological engine.

Psychodynamic therapists notice psychic defences around perfectionism - what are we defending against? Is it moral outrage, inferiority, an attempt to hide our emotional wounds or a search for an early loss of parental love? So, perfectionism is not simple. It is a sophisticated strategy that protects us from deeper, more vulnerable experiences. It’s not that the person wants everything perfect. It’s that imperfection feels dangerous. And so the perfectionist leans into control. If the universe is narrowed to a system of predictable outcomes, it will be safe.

• Control over one’s emotional world (If I’m perfect, I never have to feel shame.)

• Control over how others respond (If I don’t make mistakes, no one can criticise me.)

• Control over internal chaos (If everything is arranged just right, I won’t feel overwhelmed.)

• Control over attachment (If I’m exceptional, people will stay.)

  
  

How does perfectionism begin? This is where psychodynamic therapy comes into play.  If perfectionism is the outward behaviour, then we need to look at inner drives to discover, in the privacy of the counselling room, what may have contributed to how you regulate today. It may be any of the following:

• Conditional approval: love or acceptance came more easily when achievements were high. If I do everything right, my world feels safer.

• Unstable caregiving: was it learned at an early age to preempt disappointment or conflict by being exceptional where good was not enough.

• Shaming environments: where mistakes were treated as moral failings intensifying the need for control

• Internal parentification: being the emotional adult too early. If I am not here, everything could fall apart.

  
  

The problem is, adult life often demands more than perfectionism delivers. The need for control intensifies and anxiety increases. Emotional security vanishes.  Therapy supports perfectionists to understand that you simply can’t drop these internalised rules.  Dropping your defences leads to feelings of unconscionable vulnerability.

The perfectionist part is doing its best to prevent these experiences from surfacing.

So how does psychodynamic therapy help?  

The beginning is the discovery of the therapeutic relationship between yourself and your therapist. This is a relationship where old assumptions can be safely met and challenged. Ruptures can lead to repair. It is where the capacity to feel imperfect can be tolerated without spiralling into shame or panic. It is where we accept our chaotic parts and re-frame them as our spontaneous, playful and messy parts of self. It is understanding that striving to perfection is not the only way of coping with life and creating an internal sense of safety.

Perfectionism becomes a problem when it’s the only tool in the kit. When we understand it is not as simple as a personality flaw—we can meet ourselves with more compassion. And from compassion, change becomes possible.

Image - kintsugi- the Japanese art of celebrating imperfection.