People Pleasing: What is it and why does it drive us crazy?

The term people pleasing is often used casually, but psychologically it describes something far deeper than simply being helpful. At its core, people pleasing is about seeking emotional reassurance. It involves trying to gain comfort from feeling liked, valued or approved of by others. For many people, it becomes a way of managing an underlying fear: the fear of rejection.

People who struggle with people-pleasing behaviour often feel a persistent need to maintain a positive image. If others only see the agreeable, accommodating version of us, perhaps we will remain loved. But if someone were to see the “real” self underneath, would they still like us? Would they still stay? In this sense, people pleasing can become a strategy for securing love and belonging.

The psychology behind people pleasing

People-pleasers are not simply born this way. Nor is the issue resolved simply by 'learning to say no'. In psychodynamic terms, people pleasing often develops as an emotional adaptation to early relational experiences. It tends to be rooted in approval, attachment and the fear of abandonment.

When we talk about stress responses, most people are familiar with the three classic reactions: fight, flight and freeze. However, psychologists increasingly recognise a fourth response known as the fawn response. Fawning occurs when we attempt to appease others in order to maintain emotional safety. Instead of confronting or escaping a perceived threat, we try to smooth things over, gain favour or avoid conflict. The behaviour may appear generous or accommodating on the surface, but underneath it often functions as a way to manage anxiety about relationships.

When your partner is a people pleaser

People pleasing does not only affect the individual experiencing it; it can also create tension in relationships. You may recognise a partner who is constantly stepping in to help, apologising, smoothing over disagreements or trying to keep everyone happy. At first glance, this might appear thoughtful or caring. But over time it can begin to feel exhausting or even frustrating. Partners sometimes describe feeling as though the people-pleaser is always 'doing everything', yet also expressing resentment or exhaustion afterwards. Why does this happen?

Often the people-pleaser is trying to protect vulnerable feelings of insecurity by being indispensable. By taking on responsibility, solving problems or anticipating needs, they may unintentionally remove the other person’s agency in the relationship. This can create a confusing dynamic. One partner feels overwhelmed by the pressure to maintain emotional reassurance, while the other feels unseen or unappreciated despite their efforts. It is important to distinguish between healthy generosity and people pleasing. Someone with a secure sense of self can be supportive and accommodating while still maintaining boundaries. They offer help but do not feel compelled to sacrifice their own needs to secure approval. A people-pleaser, by contrast, often seeks validation through their actions. When their efforts go unnoticed or unappreciated, it can trigger feelings of rejection or worthlessness. Over time this cycle can become emotionally draining for both people in the relationship.

Why belonging matters so much

There is also a wider social context to consider. Human beings are fundamentally relational. From an evolutionary perspective, our survival depended on belonging to a group. Being excluded from the tribe once meant genuine danger. Because of this, the desire to fit in and prove our worth to others is deeply embedded within us. Families, friendships, workplaces and romantic relationships all shape our sense of identity.

If we do not feel we have a clear role within a group, we may begin to question who we are. For someone prone to people pleasing, the unconscious fear can be that they might be pushed out or rejected entirely. By becoming agreeable, helpful and indispensable, the person may be trying to ensure their emotional safety within the group.

How psychodynamic therapy can help with people pleasing

In psychodynamic therapy, people-pleasing behaviour is often explored through the lens of attachment and early relationships.

Questions that may arise in therapy include:

• How did you learn what love looks like?

• Did you feel you had to be a “good child” in order to be accepted or valued?

• Were there moments in your life when rejection or loss felt overwhelming?

• Do you find yourself putting everyone else’s needs before your own without understanding why?

• Did experiences of friendship difficulties, teasing or bullying leave you worried about how others see you?

  
  

These experiences can quietly shape how we behave in relationships as adults.

Therapy offers a space to begin unpacking these patterns. By understanding where they come from, it becomes easier to recognise how they influence present-day behaviour.

Learning to value yourself

Part of the therapeutic process involves stepping back and reflecting on what truly matters to you. When we begin to identify our own values and emotional needs, it can become clearer where we may be holding on too tightly to relationships or trying to control them out of fear that they might disappear. People pleasing often operates from the belief that a relationship will only survive if I do everything possible to keep the other person happy. But meaningful relationships do not require constant self-sacrifice.

If you would like to explore these themes and what they mean to you, please contact me via my website or drop me an email on sarahmcmurraycounselling@gmail.com.  I am a UK based (Tunbridge Wells) psychodynamic counsellor. and a registered member of the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists (www.bacp.co.uk)  I also work online if you are not based in Kent.