Narcissism: what does it really mean?
I hear it everywhere. The word narcissist is littered across social media and often comes up in the therapy room. But how can everyone be a narcissist? Are we talking about narcissistic traits? Are we even talking about narcissism at all?
What is narcissism?
The term comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus. Narcissus was known for his beauty and had many admirers, but he showed a sneering disdain for those who loved him and loved no one himself. This included Echo, who fell in love with him and whom he cruelly rejected. Echo, already cursed to only repeat words that she heard, was devastated by his dismissal and faded away until only the shadow of her voice remained. His cruelty and arrogance angered a god, who led him to a pool and encouraged him to look at his own reflection. He fell in love with himself and, unable to tear his gaze away, he too faded away until only a flower remained. The dictionary definition is:
‘An excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one's physical appearance’.
(It’s important to note that we are talking about the use of the word narcissism in general terms rather than the diagnosed condition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.)
So, it would seem that narcissism involves a fundamental difficulty with empathy, a persistent pattern of grandiosity, acute vanity and a need for praise. In psychological thinking, narcissism refers to the ways we experience our own importance, protect our self-esteem and seek recognition from others.
Has the word become overused?
A partner who does not listen may quickly be described as narcissistic. However, there can be many reasons why somebody struggles to listen. There is also a difference between someone who sometimes fails to listen and someone who repeatedly dismisses your experience, uses a situation as leverage to gain control, or pushes their own self-interest to the forefront. It is often used to describe someone who talks mainly about themselves, or a person who behaves selfishly during conflict.
None of these possibilities means that hurtful behaviour should be ignored or excused. Understanding behaviour is not the same as accepting it. It can, however, help us move beyond a label and think more carefully about the relationship.
It is also important to think about how easy it is to blame the other. Feeling unheard in a relationship can be painful and lonely. But labelling the other person a narcissist may not always help us understand what is happening between us. Narcissism is more complex than simply being inconsiderate, defensive or a poor listener.
If it isn’t narcissism, what is it?
Difficulties may arise when a person's need for admiration or protection from shame becomes so strong that there is little emotional space for others. They might struggle to tolerate criticism, depend heavily on approval, appear entitled or find empathy difficult. Behind an outward appearance of confidence, there may also be considerable vulnerability, insecurity or fear of inadequacy.
They may feel criticised and become defensive, pushing their position always to the front and centre. They may be overwhelmed, anxious or frightened of conflict. Perhaps they did not grow up in a family where emotions could be discussed openly. It may be that their self-esteem is so fragile and brittle that it must be defended at all costs – often by bringing down those they love.
Social media has brought useful attention to unhealthy relationships, emotional manipulation and the importance of boundaries. It has also encouraged psychological language to enter everyday conversation, sometimes without much room for context or nuance.
We all have some narcissistic needs. Wanting to feel valued, noticed and respected is part of being human. A healthy sense of self allows us to recognise our own needs while remaining interested in the feelings and experiences of other people.
Feeling unheard in a relationship
When we repeatedly feel unheard, this feeling can often come from much earlier in our experience. Perhaps our feelings were minimised when we were younger. We may have learned that our needs were too much, that disagreement was dangerous, or that keeping the peace mattered more than being understood. These early experiences can influence the relationships we form later. We might work increasingly hard to gain another person's attention, become distressed when they withdraw, or silence ourselves to avoid rejection. We may also find ourselves drawn towards familiar relationship patterns, even when they are painful.
Over time, a couple can become caught in a repeating cycle. One person may pursue conversation because they feel ignored, while the other retreats because they feel criticised or overwhelmed. The more one pursues, the more the other withdraws. Both may feel misunderstood, and each person's response reinforces the other's fear.
Calling one person a narcissist can make this dynamic seem simple, but relationships are often more complicated. A label may offer temporary certainty while leaving deeper questions unexplored:
What happens inside me when I am not listened to?
Why does this particular response feel so painful or familiar?
What do I do when I fear being dismissed or abandoned?
Am I able to express my needs and maintain boundaries?
What keeps me in this pattern, even when it causes distress?
How psychodynamic counselling could help
Psychodynamic counselling explores how past relationships and unconscious emotional patterns may be shaping the way you feel and relate in the present. Counselling offers a steady and confidential space in which you can talk about your relationship without being told what you should do. Together, we might become curious about the role you tend to take with other people, what you expect from them and what happens when your needs are not met.
This could include exploring experiences from childhood, but it is not about blaming parents or assuming that everything belongs to the past. It is about noticing connections and gradually developing a fuller understanding of yourself. The relationship with the counsellor can also help bring patterns into awareness. You may worry about being judged, struggle to express disappointment or feel that your needs are unimportant. When these feelings can be thought about, they may become easier to recognise elsewhere.
Looking beyond the label
If you are questioning whether someone in your life is a narcissist, it may be more useful to begin with your own experience. Is the other person willing to listen, reflect and take some responsibility? Can your needs exist alongside theirs?
Psychodynamic counselling may help you understand not only what is happening in a relationship, but also why it affects you in the way it does. With greater awareness can come more freedom: freedom to respond differently, establish boundaries and make choices that feel more grounded in your own needs and values.
If this resonates and you would like to explore sessions, please do get in touch.
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